


The Return of Speedball

by wolfy_writing



Category: Avengers Academy (Comics), Avengers: The Initiative, Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, New Warriors
Genre: Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Medication, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, Therapy, vance's canon backstory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 11:09:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20388736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfy_writing/pseuds/wolfy_writing
Summary: After the events of Siege, Robbie Baldwin is ready to take off the Penance armor and...he has no idea what to do next.





	1. Chapter 1

The first thing Vance did after the battle was give Robbie an enormous hug. 

Robbie hadn't thought about people hugging him when he'd designed the armor.He hadn't thought about being touched affectionately at all.After what he'd done, his own mother had given up on him, so why would anyone ever touch him with kindness and affection?

The Thunderbolts weren't exactly huggers, and neither were Osborn's Avengers.Besides, they all knew about the armor.

But right here, right now, Vance was hugging him."I've missed you, Toothpick."

Robbie, spikes digging into his flesh, blood running down his skin, hugged Vance back."I missed you too."

—

There was some awkward milling around afterward, double-checking to make sure the casualties were properly treated.Robbie wasn't really sure where to go next.Not back to Camp H.A.M.M.E.R., obviously, and it's not like he could go home to his parents. 

(His dad...sometimes Robbie wondered if his dad had _ever_ loved him, or had just been looking for an excuse to give up on him as soon as he realized Robbie wasn’t going to grow up to be a good little suburban lawyer.But his mom, she _had_ loved him, up until he'd destroyed that along with everything else he'd destroyed in the Stamford explosion.)

"So, where are you going now?" Ultragirl asked. 

Robbie shrugged.

"You need somewhere to stay?" Vance asked."You can stay with me until we figure something out."

Vance just offered like it was _nothing_, like Robbie wasn't an unforgivably terrible person, like Robbie was still someone he could consider a friend.

“Niels too?” Robbie asked.

“You still have him?” Vance smiled. “Sure, bring him along.”

"He should see a doctor first," said Tigra."I smell blood."

"It's fine," said Robbie. "It's not that bad."

"You sure?" Vance asked.

"Yeah."Robbie grinned, trying his best to sound casual."I mean you've still got the well-stocked first aid kit, right? I'll clean up at your place."

Tigra frowned.

"I swear, it's not a big deal. I just need a shower, some fresh clothes, and a good night's sleep."

And then he could figure out what to do.

It couldn't be _that_ hard.He had no job, no money, a family who wanted nothing to do with him, a high school education, infamy as the most hated man in America, and about sixty-percent confidence that he shouldn't strap himself back into the Penance suit and just keep hurting himself until something finally killed him. 

But, on the other hand, he had _awesome_ bouncing cat.

Vance put an arm on Robbie's shoulder.Elvin gave him a friendly pat on the back.

Robbie should really get changed out of his Penance armor soon.Wearing it around people who were trying to be _nice_ to him felt weird.

—

Robbie stepped out of the shower and checked the cuts.The big ones on his chest, where the longer spikes were, they were still oozing a little from when Vance had hugged him.The smaller ones were healing up well, and he wasn't going to drip blood on everything.

He looked at the Penance armor on the bathroom floor.It covered up a lot.And if he put it back on, Vance wouldn't see how many scabs Robbie actually _had_. 

Robbie hadn't thought about people who _cared_ about him seeing the cuts.

Robbie hadn't thought about the idea that there _would_ still be people who cared about him.

He picked up the clothes Vance had provided him, a t-shirt and a pair of drawstring shorts.They fit better than he expected.He wasn't as much of the skinny kid as he used to be.

They showed _all_ of the scars on his arms and legs.

He _really_ hadn't thought about how this was going to look.

Robbie started bandaging the bigger cuts. Then he got dressed and stepped out of the bathroom.

—

It was even worse than Robbie had thought it would be. 

Vance, Elvin, and Tigra were all still there. Vance and Elvin were making up the couch, and Tigra was playing with Niels.

"Hey, Toothpick," said Vance, glancing up at Robbie.Then he looked at Robbie again. "My God!"

Elvin dropped the bundle of bedding he'd been holding."Who _did_ this to you?"

"No one," said Robbie. 

Vance stepped over and took Robbie's hand, then looked at his arm."Were you tortured?”His voice was soft and concerned in a way that made Robbie want to run from the room.

Robbie jerked his hand back."No!I...I don't want to talk about it."He sighed."Look, I'm tired.I'll explain tomorrow."

Vance's jaw clenched the way it did when he was angry."Okay," he said."Are you hungry?Do you want something to eat?"

"I could go for a snack," said Robbie."Don't worry, I'll fix it myself."He headed over to the kitchen.

Elvin followed him. 

"You want a soda?" Robbie asked, checking the fridge.Vance didn't _have_ any soda."Or, um ice tea?"

"I _want_ the name of the person did this to you," said Elvin.His voice was frighteningly calm.

Robbie gave the fridge another look."Nope, not in here."

Elvin stepped closer. "Seriously.Whoever it is, just give me their name.Someone needs to make sure they don’t do this to someone else.And that they _never_ touch you again.”

Robbie considered blurting out, “Robbie Baldwin”, just to see how Elvin would react.Instead, he shook his head."It's not what you think.Look, I'll explain the whole thing to Vance in the morning.I just...not tonight."

Elvin looked at Robbie."Okay.But I _am_ going to find out who did this, and I _am_ going to make them pay."

Robbie fought back the urge to laugh.

—

Morning was...confusing.It took Robbie a moment to orient himself.Then Niels walked across his face.

Vance was already in the kitchen making breakfast."Do you drink coffee?" he asked, when Robbie got up.

Robbie shook his head.

Vance was making pancakes."Well, I've got milk and juice.There's butter on the counter, and syrup in the cupboard.Help yourself."

Robbie grabbed the pancakes and started eating.

He'd eaten about half the plate before a name and a face popped into his head.

Alyssa Cheng, nine years old.Killed in the Stamford Incident.

According to the eulogy that her mom gave, pancakes had been her favorite food.She’d make them together with her dad, wearing a little apron, and share them with the whole family. 

She would, thanks to Robbie, never eat pancakes again.

He set his fork down.

"Everything okay?" Vance asked.

"Yeah," said Robbie."Guess my eyes were bigger than my stomach."

Vance gave him a long look.

Robbie swallowed hard.He toyed with the pancakes a little more, but he couldn't manage another bite.

—

_Just tell him, Robbie told himself.Just tell him where the scars came from.You can't let him blame someone else, that's not fair.You've gone this far, you told him who you were, you let him see, just tell him you did it to yourself.Just say Vance -_

"Robbie, can we talk?

Robbie looked up. "Yes?"

Vance sat down.He coughed, looked down, and ran his hands through his hair."I...I saw your Penance costume.The inside."

_Shit._"Yeah?" Robbie asked. 

Vance looked up at Robbie."Osborn made you wear _that?"_

Robbie got a sick feeling in his stomach._Suck it up.At this point it's too late to lie.Just tell the whole truth._ "Osborn didn't _make_ me wear it.He...I...my powers, they went weird, after the Incident.I couldn't use my regular powers.Not...for a while, anyway.But there was this other energy that happened when I was...in pain.It meant I could still fight to help people."Okay, maybe that wasn't the _whole_ truth, but it was about as much as Robbie could manage at once.

"You agreed to wear this so you could have _powers?_"

"I...I did it so I could do something, be of _some_ use. So I could help make up for what I did."And because it was that or suicide."And it wasn't Osborn's idea.It was mine."

Vance looked sick."This was _your_ idea?You did this to _yourself?_"

Robbie nodded.“I designed the suit.I paid a guy to make it.It was all my idea.”

Vance shook his head."I thought...I thought that, when you signed, you’d be used as a figurehead, a symbol or something.And then, when you disappeared, I didn't know…everything was so chaotic…I should have looked for you. If I had any idea of what you were going through..."

"Don't," said Robbie, his voice breaking.He swallowed down the sudden urge to cry."Don't...blame yourself.It makes sense that no one would look for me.After what I did..."

"What you _did?_Robbie, you tried to _save_ people from a _terrorist!_ You _failed_, but that doesn't make you a _monster!"_

"You don't understand," said Robbie.  Richie had been the same way. Why couldn't they understand?

Vance stared for a moment."We're taking you to a doctor."

"I don't need - "

"I saw the spikes.You _need_ a doctor.”

—

They ended up going to the Night Nurse.

She left Vance in the waiting room. 

"Torture?" she asked, when Robbie took his shirt off.She asked casually, the same way the doctor had gone, “Skateboarding accident?”, when Robbie was thirteen and broke his arm.

"Um."Robbie looked down."Self-inflicted."

She gave an impassive nod."I don't do mental health."She removed the bandages Robbie had applied."It doesn't look infected, but I'm recommending a blood test and precautionary antibiotics." She paused."What caused the cuts?"

"Spiked armor."

"Metal?"

"Yes."

"So, that's a tetanus shot."

There was something reassuring about how matter-of-fact she was.Vance being freaked out was more than enough for Robbie to deal with.

She gave him a tetanus shot, then applied fresh bandages, and handed him a bottle of pills and some disinfectant cream.

She looked at him when she gave him the pills."Like I said, I don't do mental health.But you should really find someone who does."

That wasn't actually a bad idea. Except for the bit where Robbie had no job, no money, and no no insurance. And his last therapist was missing after allegedly trying to kill the President.

All he had to do was find a therapist who would treat the most hated man in America, for free.


	2. Chapter 2

"Come on," said Vance."It'll be just like old time."

Robbie hesitated."Are you sure this is a good idea?"He tugged nervously at his Speedball costume.It felt weird after all of this time.

"Yeah, just take a few bounces.It will be fine."

Robbie took a cautious bounce, and then another. 

"Hey, it's working!"He jumped again."Look, it's working!Vance, look how high I can bounce!"

He started laughing.

Then he landed. 

There was a wave of sharp blue energy, flattening everything as far as Robbie could see.

Vance lay on the ground, bleeding from the mouth.

Robbie ran over."Vance!Please don't die!I'm sorry!I'm sorry!Don't die!"

"I should have known...what you were..."Vance gasped.

—

Robbie woke up with a gasp. 

It was just a dream.

_Grounding exercise.Name five things you can see._

Robbie took a breath.He was looking at Vance's couch, a blanket, the wall, the coffee table, a coaster, and the floor.

_Four things you can hear._

He could hear cars driving by, his own breathing, and...that was it, really.

_Three things you can feel._

"Bad," Robbie muttered to himself."I can feel bad. I'm really good at that.”

He focused. The blanket. The same drawstring shorts he'd borrowed off Vance. That one spring in the couch that dug into his back, right where the bullet fragments were.

_Two things you can smell._

There was still a faint smell from the casserole Vance had made for dinner.And whatever the blanket had been laundered in, something that was supposed to smell like flowers, but didn't really.

He was in Vance's place.He hadn't hurt anyone. 

Well, he hadn't hurt anyone _tonight_.

Niels made an inquisitive chirping noise and walked over to Robbie

“Hey there, brat.”Robbie gave Niels a scratch on the head.

Niels curled up on Robbie’s chest and fell asleep. 

—

In the morning, Elvin came by.

"Hey, Vance said you didn't have anything to wear, and could I help you shop?"

"I don't have any money," Robbie said.

"Don't worry about it.Donyell said he'd pay."

_Donyell Taylor_ was paying for Robbie's clothes. 

_Donyell Taylor _ran a charity to help the victims of Stamford.And he was going to spend some of his money on _Robbie_ instead.

"No," said Robbie.

"Look, you _need_ clothes. What, you're going to just wear Vance's clothes forever?"

That _was_ a good point.Robbie didn’t even have his own underpants.

"Okay," he said."But we're not spending a lot."

—

He ended up getting a lot of basics.Cargo pants, long-sleeved t-shirts, and a gray hoodie.

Clothes that didn't stand out.

And a duffle bag and a backpack, which he should be able to manage even when carrying Niels' cat carrier, in case he needed to leave.

Afterward, Elvin sat him down and they got lunch.

"So," Elvin asked, "Are you ready to tell me who did this to you?"

"Vance didn't explain?"

"No.He said you could tell me if you wanted to, but it wasn’t his place.”

Robbie looked around. There was a family with kids a few tables away.He leaned in close, so the kids wouldn't hear.Then he explained.

Elvin shook his head. "God _damn_ Osborn!"

"He didn't...he didn't do all this."

"Yeah, but he saw what you were going through, and he _used_ you!He let you run around in a..." he glanced over at the kids and lowered his voice "in a freaking iron maiden!"

"He got me a therapist."Robbie wasn't sure why he was defending Norman Osborn.He didn't _like_ Norman Osborn. 

But if Elvin, or anyone, let Robbie believe that some of this _wasn't_ his fault, that he didn’t deserve all that he’d gotten and _more_, they would be wrong.And the shock of being reminded, after he’d letting himself go easier on himself, after he'd let himself hope, it would hurt.It would hurt so much.

Robbie could _deal_ with the guilt.Just not…when it was fresh.

"He sent you out to fight in that..torture suit!"

"It was my decision," Robbie said.

Elvin shook his head."Damn Osborn.Damn him to Hell."

—

Robbie _had_ tried to convince himself that the spikes weren’t…for himself, the way Dr. Samson had said.They were about his powers, about punishment, about making sure everyone responsible for the Stamford incident got what they deserved, including Robbie.

_You’re cutting yourself to stay alive._

It wasn't some kind of endorphin high, to make himself feel better.He wasn't just another cutter.

But after the conversation with Elvin, Robbie was having trouble lying to himself.

Because that had churned up a whole mess of feelings.

And Robbie couldn't stop thinking about what a _relief_ it would be to put the Penance suit back on.

—

Tigra showed up right after Elvin left.

Robbie tilted his head.“Does Vance usually have this much company?”

“Vance’s place doesn’t usually have such a cute cat.” 

Niels ran straight up to Tigra and lifted his chin for scratching.

“He likes you.”

Tigra smiled.“I’m good with cats.”

—

It was a frustrating afternoon.

Robbie wasn’t _planning_ on cutting _himself_, and he definitely wasn’t planning on putting the Penance suit back on.

He just wanted to know that he had the _option_.Maybe go to the kitchen, look over the knives, and think about how much _better_ he’d feel with a few small cuts.Maybe find where Vance put the suit, and just…know where it _was_. 

But Tigra stayed the whole afternoon.She talked to Robbie, and when he didn’t respond much, she talked about herself.She had a new baby son, who was with the Cat People. She disliked warm weather, because of all the fur.She thought Niels was a delightful little brat, and his bouncing powers were adorable.

Niels ate up the attention.

Robbie tried to be polite and pay attention to what Tigra was saying.

Tigra looked up at him. “You seem like you have something on you mind.”

Robbie shrugged.“It’s just…with the battle, everything’s been a lot.”

“I can imagine,” said Tigra.“And after all you went through with the Initiative.”

“Why does everyone keep saying that?Why does everyone suddenly care about what I went through?I mean after what I did…”.He’s thought everyone stopped caring.He’d thought they’d all decided he was a monster, and he only deserved to suffer.

And he’d thought they were _right_.

He’d started questioning that, under Doc Samson, and then again with Trauma.(He’d _saved_ Trauma.He, _Robbie Baldwin_, who screwed up so hard that he’d managed to get six hundred and fourteen people _killed_, had still been able to _save_ someone.That gave him more hope than he knew what to do with.)

“Robbie,” said Tigra, “one of my powers is empathy.When we were in the fight with Nightmare, I got a sense of what you were feeling.How much you were hurting._ No one _deserves that.”

Robbie, much to his own embarrassment, burst into tears.

Niels ran over to Robbie and began nuzzling him. 

Tigra walked over, and put a gentle hand on shoulder.

“Can you please just stop being _nice_ to me?”Robbie reached out and gently pet Niels.“It _hurts_.”

Tigra began stroking his shoulder.“You’ve been through a lot.And I’m sorry.”

“I deserved it!I killed six hundred and fourteen people!I killed sixty innocent children!”

“You didn’t, though.”Tigra frowned.She bent down.“You know that _you_ didn’t _kill_ all of the people in the Stamford incident, right?That was _Nitro_, not you.”

Right. Robbie kept forgetting that. The way everyone talked, they made it sound like Robbie had _been_ the terrorist. Sometimes he forgot that he wasn't. He sniffed and wiped his eyes. “In the Initiative, they…things got confused.” Some of it was really blurry, due to the drugs, but he remembered Osborn telling him that he’d caused the death of over six hundred people, including sixty children, and that was everything he needed to know about himself. “They gave me a _lot_ of medication.”

“Probably not the right kind either,” said Tigra.“Do you have a psychiatrist?”

“No,” said Robbie.“With the Thunderbolts, they assigned me a therapist, and then again at Camp H.A.M.M.E.R.”

“I can imagine.”Tigra rolled her eyes.

“They were good actually.They helped.”Doc Samson was better at the actual therapy part, teaching Robbie things about how to look at his problems.Trauma…Terry, he’d been thrown into dealing with all of Robbie’s problems without nearly enough training.And it sounded like he wasn’t _allowed_ to be much help.

But he’d found Niels.And Niels had saved Robbie.Robbie would always be grateful to Terry for that.

“That’s good,” said Tigra. “Do you have one now? Do you need help finding one?”

“I can’t afford one,” Robbie said.“I’d need to get a job, and…I don’t know what I can do.”He’d spent his teens trying to become a superhero, and that couldn’t have gone any worse.What was he supposed to do with mediocre high school grades, a criminal record, and most of the country justifiably _hating_ him?

“We’ll think of something,” said Tigra.“Just look after yourself for now.”

Look after himself?That sounded horribly selfish.


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey,” said Robbie.“Whenever you want me out of your hair, just let me know.I can be out of here in no time.”

“You want to leave?” Vance asked.“Is it my cooking?”

“It’s not that,” said Robbie.“You’ve been nice.Really nice.”Nicer than Robbie deserved.“But I don’t want to burden you.”

“No problem.We’re friends.You’ve always stood by me at my worst moments.”

“Yeah, but you…it’s different.”Vance was a good guy who’d had some bad luck.Even with his father…he used to beat Vance, Robbie knew.And he’d _attacked_ Vance. Vance had killed him in self-defense.Robbie wasn’t exactly going to cry over the guy’s grave.

That hardly compared to six hundred and fourteen innocent people.

“Robbie, remember when I went to prison?You came to break me out?"

Robbie nodded."You wouldn't let us."

"I believed in the system. I thought it would be better to face some punishment, because I had, however accidentally, killed my father.It wasn’t an _entirely_ bad experience, and after I was released, I felt less haunted by guilt.I thought they would do something like that with you.Something proportionate, which might actually _help_ you deal with what happened." Vance shook his head. "Not..whatever the _hell_ they did to you!”

“I told you, I did it to _myself._”

“They shouldn’t have _let_ you do this to yourself.”

—

“So, I noticed the kitchen looks different,” said Robbie.

“How?”

“Knife block’s gone.”

“Yeah.”Vance rubbed the back of his neck.“Look, I…what you told me about the Penance suit, and what I saw…I don’t really know what to do or say.I just don’t want you getting hurt anymore.”

“Right.No trusting me with sharp objects.”It was meant to be a joke, but it just came out like Robbie was complaining.Like he was _mad_ at his best friend for trying to protect him.

He used to _know_ how to be funny.

Vance looked at Robbie.“I didn’t mean to be insulting.I just…”

“Forget it,” said Robbie.“Let’s watch TV.”

—

He was just going to look for the bathroom, he told himself, as he got up in the middle of the night.Maybe look around the kitchen, and see if he wanted a snack.

Maybe look around one or two other place.

The bathroom had disposable safety razors, and no spare blades.It had a water glass that could probably be broken.

Not that Robbie would do that. If he started smashing Vance’s things so he’d have something to cut with, that would mean he needed it, and Doc Samson was right about it being an addiction to endorphins. 

And all of his efforts to do penance would have been just self-indulgence. 

There were some things in the kitchen that a determined person could use to hurt themselves.Robbie made a mental note.The knives were all missing.

It turned out they were on the shelf on the top of the hall closet.

No sign of the Penance armor, but at least he’d found knives.

He took one knife, a long, slim, sharp-looking one, and held it.

Then he put it back.

There, he was in control.He just wanted to know he could find a knife..He didn’t need to use it.

Besides, Vance would feel weird if he knew that Robbie had cut himself in Vance’s place, with Vance’s knives, while Vance was sleeping.

And it’s not like Robbie _deserved_ to feel better.

Robbie put everything back exactly the way he found it, and went back to the couch.

—

He stayed on the couch for most of the next three days.

In the morning, he'd get up and shower, and put on some of his new clothes.He'd get breakfast, and then go back to the couch.He'd borrow Vance's laptop to look up information on work he could do.

It turned out no one had designed a job for someone who wanted to do something helpful, but probably shouldn't interact with the public, _definitely_ wouldn't pass a background check, and barely finished high school.

He was going to be mooching off Vance until the day he died.

Robbie would take naps in the middle of the day, as much for something to do as anything else.He would clean up a bit, and make sure that he fed Niels, and cleaned the litter box.He'd turn on the TV.

Then he'd go back on the internet, and look up "Robbie Baldwin" and "Speedball", to see what people _really_ thought of him.

That would usually end up with him curled up on the couch, crying his eyes out, and wishing he was dead.Then it would be close to time for Vance to come home, so Robbie would wash his face, try to look okay, and act as well as possible so he didn’t worry Vance.

—

"Hey," said Vance."Put on your shoes. We've got an appointment today."

"Yeah?"Robbie bent down and started looking for his shoes.

“A psychiatrist. Dr. Nathan Reed.”

Robbie paused."How could you afford that?"

"Donyell."

"Donyell?But he has the foundation!He's supposed to spend the victims of the Stamford Incident, not...me."

"It's not his foundation's money, it's his _own_ money."

Robbie shook his head."But he _could_ have spent it to help someone more deserving."

"Look, at this point it's too late to cancel," said Vance. "It's either go, or waste Donyell's money. What are you going to do?"

"I'll go," said Robbie."Just tying my shoes."

—

The office was more formal than Robbie was used to.It had a couch, with a little pillow on one end.

Robbie was _not_ going to lie down on it.

“Mr. Baldwin?”Dr. Reed looked at Robbie.His face was hard to read.

He didn’t look horrified the way most people did when they discovered that they were in the room with _that_ Robbie Baldwin.

“I’ve spoken to your friends,” said Dr. Reed.“I understand you’ve been through some difficult experiences.”

“You could say that.” Robbie explained the whole thing about the Stamford, about the Penance suit, being on the Thunderbolts, Doc Samson helping him, how Moonstone had drugged him until he couldn’t remember his own name, and how, after the battle, he’d ended up on Vance’s couch with no idea what to do with himself.

Dr. Reed’s face was impassive.He took notes. 

Finally, when Robbie finished, Dr. Reed spoke.“I’m impressed by your resilience, and how well you’ve coped with all of this.”

“How _well?_”

Dr. Reed nodded.“You made some unhealthy choices in extreme circumstances.However it sounds like, even then, you made some good progress with a supportive therapist.And when you were pushed back into your most traumatized state, due to being drugged and brainwashed, you still managed to build interpersonal connections, find a remarkable level of inner strength, free yourself, and get to people who could help you.The fact that you walked in here willingly, and you’ve managed to find people to help you, says a lot.”

"Maybe I shouldn’t let them help me, though,” said Robbie."It feels like I shouldn't.I mean after everything I did, it feels...wrong letting people be nice to me.Like an insult to everyone... who died.”It was very hard to not say _everyone I killed._

"I can understand that," saidDr. Reed.

"You can?"

"Yes.I don't _agree_, but I understand _why_ it would feel that way. It can be tempting, when dealing with guilt, to deny yourself. However, it doesn't help you solve problems or undo the damage done.”Dr. Reed leaned back.“What you have right now is a choice.You can decide to refuse help.You can deny yourself everything you don’t think you deserve.Eventually, your friends will stop trying.Your mental health will deteriorate.You might die.Or, once again, you might fall into the hands of a dishonest person who is exploiting you for your powers, when you are too ill to protect yourself from them.But you will be spared the shame of accepting help you don’t think you deserve.”

He drummed his fingers together.“The other option, is to keep doing what you did to get yourself here.Fight through the self-hatred, the guilt, and the shame, and accept that what you feel you deserve is not that important.Be peppered to face all of the pain you’ve been struggling to deal with.Accept that you’re going to need help to get healthy again.And in the end, emerge stronger, better able to make smart choices, and choose what you want to do.”

Robbie looked down at his hands, and picked a scab.He didn't like this.He didn't want to be a burden on his friends.It wasn’t fair, after what he’d done, for _him_ to receive help.

But he'd _tried_ being Penance, and that hadn't done much good either. 

—

“How did it go?” Vance asked.

Robbie shrugged.“Okay, I guess.”He felt the prescription in his pocket.

_“Drugs?” Robbie asked._

_“Anti-depressants.They should help you function better.”_

_Robbie squirmed in his chair._

_“What are you thinking?” Dr. Reed asked._

_“Giving me happy pills.It seems…” Like a monstrous injustice.Disgusting.Obscene.A slap in the face of everyone who lost a loved one at Stamford._ ** _Children_ ** _ had died in agony because of Robbie, and now he was being asked to drug his bad feelings away. “Wrong.”_

_“Anti-depressants aren’t happy pills. I wouldn’t prescribe them if they were. These are to help you function. You crashed hard after you gave up the suit, didn’t you? Everything became more difficult? More stagnant? It became harder to stave off the despair?”_

_Robbie looked away. _

_“Self-harm is an unhealthy coping mechanism, but it _ ** _is_ ** _ a coping mechanism.It was there for you when you had nothing else.It’s costly to give up something like that when you don’t have many healthy ways to cope. The anti-depressants are to help you while you learn better ways to deal with your feelings.They’ll help you stay functional enough that you can find something worthwhile to do.”_

_“I…don’t know what I can do.I want to do something _ ** _useful_ ** _, to help people _ ** _somehow_ ** _, but I can’t think of anything I could do.The only thing I ever really learned how to do was heroics, and I screwed that up so bad…”. Robbie swallowed hard. _

_Dr. Reed nodded.“We can discuss that more next session.That is, if you’ve decided to come back.”_

Robbie pulled the prescription out of his pocket.“I should go to the pharmacy.Dr. Reed wrote me a prescription.And he recommend I see him twice a week.”

Vance nodded.“No problem.I’ll take care of it.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Hey, Robbie,” said Elvin.“You want to go for a walk?”

Robbie shook his head.“I’m kind of tired.”

“Come on, it’d be good for you.”

Robbie sighed.But he nodded, and put his shoes on.

He grabbed the hoodie.

“It’s not that cold out,” Elvin said.

“It’s…better if fewer people get a good look at my face.”

Elvin nodded slowly.As if he’d forgotten.

That was the difficult thing.Elvin, Vance, they kept forgetting.They treated him like the same old Speedball, or like a version of Speedball that had something really tragic happen to him.

They didn’t see what everyone else saw.

They didn’t see the monster.But Robbie was never allowed to forget.

—

“So what are you doing these days?”

Elvin shrugged.“Trying to protect my community, in a few different ways. Dwayne…he left me enough money that I don’t have to worry.And Donyell, I think he feels like he’s responsible for me.”

“Well, between…between all of us,” said Robbie, “you were always the youngest one.At least until Alex Power joined.We all wanted to look after you.”

“Yeah, and nobody else did.I mean it’s hard enough for a regular black kid to be treated like a kid.People would take one look at me, and no one would believe I was only fourteen. Even if they knew, they'd automatically start treating me like an adult. Like they knew, but they didn't know. If Dwayne hadn’t stepped in when he did, I don’t know what would have happened to me.”

Robbie nodded. “I’m sorry about what happened to him.”_ I’m sorry I couldn’t help.I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.I’m sorry I screwed up and everyone died._

“Thanks.”Elvin nodded.“I’m glad you survived.”

Robbie ducked a little deeper into his hoodie, and didn’t respond.

“Hey,” said Elvin. “I mean it. I’m glad you’re alive. I wish we _also_ had Dwayne." He paused and shook his head. "I miss him. And Nita, and Zachary too. But I’m glad that _you_ survived.”

At least _someone_ was. 

_Quite frankly, if you really did hate yourself that much, you’d find yourself a bottle of sleeping pills and finish the job, hmm?_

Sometimes Robbie wondered if he _should_ have just killed himselfIt had seemed too easy at the time.A cop-out, letting himself escape the pain, when he’d left so many people to suffer. 

But sometimes he thought about it.

He changed the subject. “I was pretty happy when you joined the team, and I found out you were younger than me.It was really annoying when that duplicate took over a year, and when I got back, we were the same age.It was nice getting to be the cool older teen.”

Elvin snorted. “You thought you were_ cool?”_

—

“Hey.”Vance walked over to the chair next to what had become Robbie’s couch, and sat down.“I have some good news I wanted to discuss it with you.”

“Yeah?” Robbie could use some good news. He’d been taking the pills for _days_, and everything was as stagnant as ever. He was starting to wear a rut in the couch. 

Everything was _gray_.It was almost creepy.

“I had a conversation with Captain America a few days ago. I suggested starting a problem that’s…not like the Initiative, not the way it turned out, but like what I thought it was going to be. A way to train young people to use their powers safely.” He leaned forward, resting his hands on his knees. “I’ve just been told that they’re doing this. They want me to plan it out, recruit teaching staff, and get the whole thing set up. It will be in the new Infinite Avengers Mansion. I’ll move in next month.”

“That’s good,” said Robbie. He swallowed hard. It was good. Vance was moving forward, doing something important, building something good. “I can move out whenever you like.”

He had no idea where he’d go.But at least he wouldn’t be a burden on Vance.

Vance blinked and frowned.“Robbie, I’m _not_ leaving you behind. I want you to be part of the teaching staff.I want you to come with me.”

“Me, teach?”Robbie shook his head.“I could barely pass algebra.How would I know how to teach?"

“Look at it this way,” said Vance.“You know what doesn’t work.”

Robbie snorted.

Vance took a deep breath.“I’m not entirely joking.You know what a lot of teachers do wrong. You know what it's like when they're not getting through because they're too caught up in their own assumptions to pay attention. And you have people skills. People _like_ you.”

“They used to,” Robbie said.

“People like you when they know _you_, and not just what they saw on the news. And you know what it’s like to have powers that you don’t know how to control.You taught yourself how to use your powers, and I think you could teach some kids how to use theirs.You could help people, Robbie.You could do a lot of good.”

He could be useful.He could help people.He could do something better with himself than just wear a dent in Vance’s couch.

Or he could screw up again, and something terrible would happen. Again.

“Let me think about it, okay?” 

“Sure.” Vance nodded.“And Robbie?”

“Yeah?”

“Whatever you decide, I’m not going to just drop you.I’ll make sure you have a place to live, and whatever you need.”Vance leaned in and looked Robbie in the eye.“I promise, I’m not going to leave you on your own this time.”

It was all Robbie could do not to cry.

—

That night, when Vance was asleep, Robbie went for the knife block where Vance had hidden it in the closet.

It was still there.Vance hadn’t moved it.

He took the sharpest-looking knife.For a moment, he nearly put it back.

But there was so much going on in his head.He couldn’t settle down.He couldn’t sleep.

And he was _supposed_ to go easier on himself.He was _supposed_ to accept that he deserved a little relief.

He rolled up his sleeve and made the first cut.

It felt every bit as good as he remembered.

—

In the morning, the endorphin high had faded, and Robbie mostly felt bad.

If Vance knew, he’d be upset.He’d worry about Robbie even more.He might feel like he’d failed Robbie somehow, or like he hadn’t done enough.Obviously, that made no sense, but it was the kind of thing that Vance would think.

The cuts he’d made had a dull, familiar sting.Robbie had to bury the shirt he’d been wearing down at the bottom of the laundry pile so Vance couldn’t see the blood.

He didn’t know what Vance would do.Back with the Thunderbolts, more than a few people had said Robbie needed to be locked up.They’d said he needed to be in a hospital somewhere.

And then he’d been put in a hospital.And it had been…bad.

He rubbed at the scabs.He had therapy today.It was either tell Dr. Reed, or lie to him.

—

“I cut myself,” said Robbie. “Last night.

Dr. Reed nodded.“What brought that on?”

“Vance, he…he has a cool new opportunity with the Avengers.It’s great for him.And..he wanted me to come with him.He thinks I could be useful.”

“What do you think?”

Robbie shook his head.“I don’t know if I can handle it.What if I screw up and hurt people?”

“That is always a risk.How likely does it seem?”

Robbie shrugged.“I don’t know.When I agreed to do a reality show, I didn’t think I’d kill six hundred and fourteen people.”He caught himself. “I mean…I didn’t think my choice would get six hundred and fourteen people killed.”

“You’re still blaming yourself for the Stamford disaster?”

Robbie nodded.“It got better for a bit, but after Moonstone drugged me, I couldn’t remember anything else in my life.I couldn’t think about anything else.And it sounded so much like the truth, it was so close to the truth, it got stuck in my head.”He shook his head.“Why did they have to do that?What I did was bad enough.”

“It sounds like they wanted you hating yourself, and seeing yourself as unforgivable.It made you easier to control.”

Robbie blinked.“What?” 

“When you’re miserable and self-loathing and you don’t trust your own judgment, it can seem like a good idea to rely on others for answers. It can make you desperate for anything that promises to relieve the pain and guilt. People like Osborn and...Moonstone prey upon that. It was useful for him to keep you feeling that way.”

“Then why did he send me a therapist?”

“I’m not sure.Did he say anything?”

“Doc Samson said it was because they thought I was going to kill myself.”

Dr. Reed nodded. “An understandable worry.”

“I thought about it,” Robbie blurted. He looked at Dr. Reed’s face.

Dr. Reed was calm.“I expect you did.”

Robbie sighed.“Sometimes I still think about it.I wonder if it would be better for everyone, if I was just gone.”

“Do you _intend_ to kill yourself?”

Robbie shook his head. “No.”

“Do you have any plans for how you would do it, if you decided to?”

“Not really.With my powers working normally, I’m pretty hard to kill.The cutting…it only works because it’s slow and sharp.If I slammed my head into the wall _now_, I’d probably just bounce.”He paused.“Moonstone, she suggested sleeping pills.” 

“Do you have sleeping pills?”

Robbie shook his head.“Just the pills you gave me.”

“I should warn you, while an overdose of those is unlikely to kill you, it does have intensely unpleasant side effects.It is, by all accounts, a miserable experience.”

Robbie rubbed the fresh scabs on his arm. “Are you going to lock me up?”

“No.”

“I mean are you going to hospitalize me?”

Dr. Reed shook his head.“Not unless you want to be hospitalized, no.”

“Why not?”

“Involuntary hospitalization can often do more harm than good.Given your traumatic previous experience, that seems especially likely to be the case for you.”

“You’re not worried I’m going to hurt myself more?” Robbie asked.“Or kill myself?Or hurt someone else?”

“You are clearly trying very hard not to hurt anyone else.I _am_ worried about the suicidal thoughts, but I think we can find better, less coercive ways to handle them, especially given how hard you’re working.As to the self-harm, may I see it?”

Robbie rolled back his sleeve and showed the cuts.

Dr. Reed leaned forward and peered at the cuts, then sat back in his chair.“That doesn’t look life-threatening.If you do it again, it would be a good idea to clean and disinfect the wound.”

“If I do it again?” Robbie asked.“You’re not going to tell me to stop?”

“You already _know_ it’s unhealthy.You already _know_ it doesn’t provide anything more than temporary relief.You already _know_ that you’re better off, in the long run, if you can stop. I don’t see the point of lecturing you on that.”Dr. Reed folded his hands.“I’m not here to control you or take away your freedom ever time you make an unhealthy choice.I’m here to help you learn to become the kind of person you want to be.”

“I don’t know who that is,” said Robbie.

Dr. Reed nodded.“Well, then, our task is to figure that out.”


	5. Chapter 5

Robbie fought the urge to fidget as he walked into Avengers Mansion.He had a new button-down shirt, and he kept wanting to play with the buttons on the cuffs.

Plus, he wasn’t wearing a hoodie. People could see his face. So far, he hadn’t had anyone scream at him or spit on him, but he figured it was only a matter of time.

He hoped it wasn’t when Vance was around.Vance would try to defend Robbie. He wouldn't think Robbie deserved it.

Robbie fiddled with the cuffs again.

“Relax,” said Vance.He put a hand on Robbie’s shoulder.“You were invited to come.”

“Yeah, by you.” It had been Vance who’d recommended Robbie for this. He seemed to have confidence in Robbie, but there was no reason why anyone else would.

And it was possible Vance was getting Robbie this job out of pity.

They walked into the office. Robbie hadn’t been sure who to expect.

There were three people in the office; Tigra, Hank Pym, and Tony Stark.

“Hello,” said Tony Stark. “Glad you could make it.”He shook Robbie’s hand.

Robbie shook his hand and gave a nod.

“So, Avengers Academy.What we’re saying is confidential to this room?” 

Everyone nodded.

Tony continued.“I’m going to be honest.We were on the fence about this when Justice first suggested it.Steve was bigger on this than I was.Guess which of the two of us was in the Boy Scouts.”He grinned briefly. “But we’ve been reviewing the records of the young people who were recruited by the Initiative.Some of them…if we don’t get them fairly intensive help, it’s bad for them, and bad for national security.Some of them are deeply psychologically troubled, and some of them…well, with superhuman abilities, someone who doesn’t mean any harm can do a lot of harm.”His glanced up at Robbie.

It was a brief glance, but Robbie noticed.

“So,” said Tony, “we are going to need good people to train them on control of their powers.And on top of that, we’re going to need people who know the kinds of mistakes that you can make with powers, and how to learn from them an avoid them.People who know how to, if need be, _face_ the mistakes they’ve made, take the consequences, and come back.”He tapped a button on his desk, and a screen descended.“The kids we’re staring with, they’re…honestly they’re the ‘most likely to become a super-villain’ list.We get this wrong, and we could end up facing them for the rest of our lives.But here and now, we have an opportunity to do better.We can teach them to be better, _before_ they do a lot of harm.And that’s what I want from all of you.”

—

“Do you have a moment?” Tony put a hand on Robbie’s shoulder. “I’d like to talk to you one-on-one.”

Robbie nodded. “Sure.” He looked at a worried Vance, then nodded. “That seems fine.”

Vance looked at Robbie for a moment, then nodded and stepped out.

“I’m glad you came today,” said Tony.“It’s good to talk to you in person, after…everything that happened.”

“It was Vance’s idea.”

“He has a lot of faith in you.”

“He does.”Maybe too much. 

Tony began pacing.“I need to know how you’re doing.Honestly.I need to know if you can handle this before I decide if you get to be around some emotionally troubledkids.So I’m going to need you to tell the truth.”

Robbie nodded again.

“The Penance armor.It was lined with spikes?You used that to activate your powers?”

“Yeah.”Robbie took a deep breath.“I mean that was a big part of it.”

Tony looked at him.

“I…everything was hard.I couldn’t handle it.And at the same time, after Stamford, I knew I deserved to be punished for what I’d done.The armor, it was both.”

“Do you still wear it?”

“No,” said Robbie.“I stopped that.”

“Have you being seeing someone?A professional?”

Robbie nodded. 

“That's good."Tony looked down."This job, it's going to require going over all of the ways heroics can go wrong.It's going to require looking at how people get hurt, how people get killed, and how it could have been handled better."

"Stamford," Robbie said.

"It's only going to be one of many incidents discussed, but it _will_ come up.I need to know you can handle it when it does."Tony pinched the bridge of his nose."I'm not expecting you to not have…issues after what happened.Frankly, I wouldn’t trust anyone who went through all that you’ve been through and _didn’t_ admit to still having some problems. But I need people who can do what's needed to handle their own issues.People who will see when they’re having trouble, and get help before it gets out of control.Can you do that?”

Robbie didn't know.He had half a mind to give up, to say he couldn't handle it, to apologize for wasting Tony Stark's time, and then run off. 

"I can do that," he said.

"Good.Let me know what you need to make that happen.Hank Pym's managing, so there's no need to be shy about asking for scheduling aroud mental health needs."Tony looked up. "There's one more thing I want to say."He looked Robbie in the eye. "I'm sorry.I don't know the exact decision-making process involved, because I've had something of a mental reset, but I made decisions about what happened to you.I was trying for something more balanced, but you ended up in a terrible situation.Osborn took things farther than anyone expected, but we should have kept a closer eye on how he was treating you."

Robbie swallowed hard."It wasn't...I mean I deserved...you sent Doc Samson.Without him, everything would have been much worse."

"Glad to hear it. I still wish I could have done better.”

Robbie bit his lip to try to hold back tears."Thank you.I need to...use the restroom."

"Of course." Tony looked mildly surprised."Jarvis can help you find one."

—

_From crying in a padded cell, to crying in the bathroom of Avengers Mansion_, Robbie thought._I'm really coming up in the world._

He started to laugh. 

It turned out laughing and crying at the same time left him really snotty.

He turned on the water, and started trying to rinse the snot off his face. Ugh, he never used to be this much of a crybaby.

There was a knock on the bathroom door."Robbie?Are you okay in there?"

It was Vance.He'd come to check in on Robbie.

"I'm fine," said Robbie, but he couldn't keep his voice steady.He sighed and opened the bathroom door.

Vance stepped in.

"This isn't really a room for two-person activities,” said Robbie. 

Vance leaned in low. "What did he _say_ to you?"His voice was angry.

"He didn't say anything," said Robbie."He...apologized.He said that he should have kept a closer eye on how I was treated.”

"Oh." Vance looked surprised. “Good. Is that why you were crying?”

Robbie nodded and bit back another wave of tears. "Why do people keep doing that? Apologizing?"

"Because they screwed up._We_ screwed up.” Vance ran his hand through his hair. “The whole country went nuts after Stamford, and everyone took it out on you.We shouldn’t have let things get that far.”

This time, Robbie couldn’t hold back the tears.

Vance put his arms around Robbie, and held him until he stopped crying.

Robbie sniffed and lifted his head."I think I got snot all down your cape."

Vance smiled. "You're doing my laundry. Also, wash your sheets, because that couch is starting to stink."

Robbie laughed.

Vance looked at Robbie.

"What?Do I still have snot on me?"

"No, it's just...it's good to hear you laugh again, Toothpick." Vance patted Robbie on the back."Come on, let's go home."

—

Robbie was going through Vance's cupboards, looking for clean sheets, when he found it.

The Penance armor.

It was behind a stack of towels.It was dark, rusty-looking, spiked, and dirty.

And strong.It looked strong. 

It didn't look like the armor of someone who'd cried snot all over his friend in the Avengers bathroom. It didn't look like it belonged to broken Robbie Baldwin.

It looked like the armor of someone who'd faced down Doctor Doom in order to capture Nitro and give _him_ a taste of the pain he'd inflicted on so many people. Penance, who’d been strong enough to make Nitro pay.

Robbie had assumed that Vance threw the armor away.

Why _hadn't _he thrown it away?

_Because he knows it's mine._

It was Robbie's suit, which he’d designed for himself, right down to the last spike.

Robbie looked at the armor.It was too big to hide while Robbie was sleeping on Vance's couch.Everything Robbie owned, aside from Niels, fit into one backpack and one nylon duffle bag.The armor wouldn’t fit, even if Robbie left all of his clothes on the floor, the way Vance kept telling him to stop doing.

—

That night, when Vance was asleep, Robbie went back to the linen cupboard.

The armor _didn't_ fit in the bag. There was no way it could fit. But the helmet, wrapped in Robbie’s spare shirts, fit nicely into the bottom of the duffle bag.

—

"I keep crying."

"If you've been emotionally numb, the early stages of medication can lead to expressing a lot of pain.It should become more balanced over time."

"I don't like it," Robbie said."People keep saying nice things to me, and then I cry."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Tony Stark.He apologized. He said he shouldn’t have left me in that situation.”

"And you didn't like hearing that."

"No," said Robbie."I mean I chose it.I walked into it with eyes open.I was a civilian volunteer.I could have quit."

"You were drugged until you couldn't remember anything about your life, and then brainwashed into fighting for Osborn."

"Okay, maybe not _that_ bit.But still."Robbie pulled his feet up onto the chair.

"Still what?"

"I mean I...I deserved it.After what I did, how I failed everyone, I _deserved_ to have that happen to me.I _deserved_ to feel like that."

"Would you say the same thing about someone else?"

"I don't know," Robbie shrugged."Maybe."He'd caught Nitro, and put _him_ in the suit, and that had felt like justice.

"Your friend Elvin...if he'd been at Stamford, if he'd been the one to survive, what would you have wanted for him?”

Robbie shook his head. ”Elvin didn't sign up for the show. He knew better."

"Debril? Nova?They signed up for the show.Would you have done that to them?"

"They weren't at Stamford!"

“Microbe, if he had survived?”

Robbie shook his head. "Microbe, Zach, he was just this big awkward mutant kid who didn't know what he was getting into. We shouldn't have let him get into that situation."

"Night Thrasher, then?Dwayne Taylor was the team leader.The reality show format was his idea.Whatever responsibility you have for Stamford, Dwayne Taylorhad _even more_.Would you have strapped _him_ into the Penance suit?Would you have stood by and let it happen if he decided to do that to himself."

God, Dwayne. Robbie tried to picture him in the Penance suit, taking off the helmet, his face bleeding from the spikes. 

The thought make Robbie sick to his stomach.

"Namorita Prentiss _taunted_ Nitro, right before he set the explosion off.If she'd survived somehow, do you think she would have deserved to be treated the way you were?If she was strapped into a spiked suit, in as much pain as you were, being used by people like Osborn, drugged and manipulated, would you think that was fair?"

_Nita_.

Robbie started sobbing hard, painful, wracking sobs. 

Dr. Reed slid him the tissue box.

Robbie though he was going to cry himself sick.He kept thinking about Nita, if she'd survived, if she'd tried to do something like the Penance suit.

"Nita..." he said, when he could speak again."With Nita, it wouldn't have gotten that far."He grabbed a tissue and blew his nose.

"What do you mean?"

"Her cousin's Namor.He wouldn't have _let_ them do that to her.He wouldn't have let her to do that to _herself_.He loved her so much."He started crying again.

"And it doesn't feel like anyone loved you that much?"

Robbie shook his head. "My parents, they...disowned me." He took a couple of steadying breaths. "Namorita, if she was alive...she wouldn't have let me do the whole Penance thing." She didn't care as much about the legal system as Vance did. She wouldn't have taken off after finding out, the way Richie did. She would have taken him away somewhere, calling Namor in if necessary, to make sure no one was hurting him. Not even himself.

She would have ripped the Penance armor off with her bare hands.

She would have _protected_ him.Even after Stamford, Nita would have protected him.

But she’d died.

"You have a right to hurt," said Dr. Reed.

Robbie shook his head."I thought that was what you were trying to talk me out of."

"I'm not talking about torturing yourself.I'm talking about letting yourself feel how much you _already_ hurt.You lost friends.You were sent to a prison that's been known to drive people to suicide.You were shot.You had loved ones abandon you.And you've had to endure the entire country telling you, over and over again, that it was all your fault and you deserved everything you got and worse._Anyone_ would be suffering after all of that."

"But...the people who died at Stamford…”

"Life isn't simple,"Dr. Reed said."It doesn't divide into innocent victims versus people who deserved to suffer.You made a mistake that lead to people dying _and_ you've been left to suffer unnecessarily because other people mistreated you.The one doesn't cancel out the other."

"The people who lost loved ones at Stamford, how would they feel about that?Me feeling bad for myself?Me getting a therapist, pills to make things easier, a new job?"

"A number of different ways I imagine.Some would hate you.Some would resent you being able to get help while they were still in pain.Some would want to see you suffer more.Some would want to see you suffer for the rest of your life. Some would want you dead."

Robbie nodded."Exactly."

"Others, I expect, wouldn't want you to suffer.Compassion can be a surprising thing. It connects people in unexpected ways.I expect that some of them would feel for you, due to the shared loss, the survivor's guilt, and the shared trauma.Some of them would be glad that you were getting help."

"Glad?" Robbie hadn't thought about that.

"Thousands of people lost loved ones at Stamford.The won't _all_ feel the same way about your part in it.The question is, knowing that you can't give them all what they want, what are you going to do?"

—

Robbie typed into the chat box: _If you could get your hands on Speedball, do anything you want to him, what would you do?_

The answers came fast.

_Kill him._

_Throw him in jail._

_Bash his head in. _

_Take a knife and slowly work him over, slicing him apart piece by piece._

_Come on, he belongs in jail, but he's not a _ ** _murderer_ ** _._

_I'd make him talk to the families of victims.Make him look them in the eye, and listen to their pain.Make sure he knew exactly what he'd did._

_Treat him like just another criminal. And then I'd make it so he was never mentioned again.He did it for attention, right?Don't give it to him.Ever.For the rest of his life._

_You know what I'd do?_Robbie typed._I'd build a special suit, with spikes on the inside.Six hundred and fourteen spikes, one for everyone he'd killed. I'd make sixty extra-long spikes, one for each of the children.Then I'd make him wear it every day.I'd make him walk around like that, every single day, so every time he moved he'd feel the pain of the people he'd hurt.So he would never forget, and never stop hurting._

_Right on!_

_Dude, WTF?_

_You have some serious anger issues, man._

_I hate those kind of revenge fantasies.They're so gross._

_I can't believe you guys are defending him!Speedball!He killed six hundred people!He killed sixty children!_

_HE DIDN'T KILL ANYONE! _

_Nitro's the murderer!Why is everyone so obsessed with Speedball? _

_He screwed up, but come on, he's an idiot, not a murderer._

_The only reason everyone keeps talking about Speedball is because the government fucked up so bad in arresting Nitro.They couldn't get him, so they made Speedball the scapegoat._

_Please, he got off easy._

_If he really felt that bad, he'd have killed himself._

_Don't talk like that.My brother killed himself.He thought we were better off without him, but I miss him so much.It hurts every single day._

_How many people did your brother kill, though? _

_SPEEDBALL DIDN'T KILL ANYONE!_

_He killed those two people who tried to help him._

_That was an accident!His powers malfunctioned.He wasn't even conscious!_

_You're all a bunch of bleeding-heart pussies.I'm with you, Bouncy_Cat, we should really make that motherfucker suffer.Keep him hurting for years on end._

_There's something seriously wrong with you two._

_I actually hope he's okay._

Robbie closed the chat window.He took several steadying breaths.

Niels came over and nuzzled Robbie.

Robbie scratched Niels under the chin."You know what they say, kitty.Never read the comments."

_I actually hope he's okay._

He'd expected people to hate him.He'd expected people to balk on principle, to show how good they were by refusing to torture anyone, even him.

He hadn't expected a stranger to want him to be okay.


	6. Chapter 6

"So, are you ready for this?"

Robbie slung his duffle bag over one shoulder, and picked up the cat carrier."Avengers Mansion, here we come!"

Vance openedthe front door.It opened directly in Avengers Mansion.

A naked robot woman emerged. 

Robbie blinked."I've had dreams like this."He set the cat carrier on the couch.

"Hello, I am Jocasta.I am here to assist with the move.I have set up the door to minimize the transportation distance."She looked at Robbie."Would you like assistance with your bag?"

Robbie automatically clutched the bag tighter."No thanks. But if you could help with the kitty litter box, that would be great."

He didn't want anyone else touching his duffle bag. 

Jocasta nodded. "I will bring it."

"I'm really glad you decided to do this," said Vance.

"Making it easier for you to keep an eye on me?" Robbie asked.

"Toothpick, I'm moving into Avengers Mansion because I talked them into trusting _me_ to prevent a bunch of troubled teens from becoming super-villains.I'm so scared I think I might pee my pants.I want you there for _me_.”

Robby picked up the cat carrier."Hey ho, let's go!"

—

"One more question," said Hank Pym."We're planning to work in costume.Many of our exercises are practical, and need outfits appropriate for action.And some of the students will need to be permanently in costume for health reasons, so we thought it would be helpful to normalize it.About your costume..."

"Vance took it," Robbie said. "I don't think he'd give it back if I asked." He _hoped_ he didn't have to ask. Then he'd have to explain about the helmet.

"Your Penance costume?"Hank Pym looked alarmed."We're _not_ going to put you back in that."

"Right.Don't want to scare the children."

Hank looked down at his clipboard."I should make this clear, if you wear the Penance armor at any point, I'm going to put you on indefinite medical leave until I'm convinced that you're mentally stable."

Great.Robbie had _Hank_ _Pym_ judging his mental stability. "Understood."

"I was saying, we could arrange to make you something new.If you feel it's important to keep the _name_ Penance, we could make something less...unhealthy."

"Or I could turn up as Speedball and _really_ scare the kids,” Robbie joked.

Hank looked surprised."I mean...if you wanted to return to the Speedball name, that would be your choice."

"It would?” He’d thought no one would want to see Speedball again.

"If that's what you wanted.We _are_ going to be discussing the Stamford Incident as part of the training program.It would be better to get it out in the open."

Robbie could be Speedball again. 

Or could he?

_It's Penance.Robbie Baldwin is dead.Speedball, too._

Could he get _this much_ of who he used to be back?Was it _fair_ to get this much back?

Should he try?

—

His first thought was to run this by his therapist, but he'd dropped down to once a week, so that would mean waiting for _days_.

And he didn't want to wait. 

—

The spot Jocasta had found, through one of the infinite doors, was an empty hillside.It had some trees around, and a few big rocks.

There was a drop, a few feet away from where the door had opened.Steep enough that for most people it would be a really bad idea to jump off it.

Robbie was not most people.He jumped.

The kinetic energy built up, bouncing him off the bottom and sending him shooting up into the air. 

"Jocasta!" he called."I can see your house from here!"

"My house is thirty feet away from you."

"Note to self, don't make jokes around robots."

He bounced back down, and around the hills.He took some jumps, sling-shotting himself off the tree, and did a mid-air flip, before landing on his feet. 

He could feel the kinetic energy fizzing around him."And for my next trick..."He slapped his chest, and summoned up the energy.

The bubbles bounced around and there he was, Speedball. 

"Looking good." 

Robbie looked up.Vance was leaning against the door frame.

"I...um...I was..." Robbie stumbled, and fell straight off the hill.

Vance stepped closer."Robbie?"

Robbie fell down, and bounced, high up in the air.For a moment, he was up in the air, looking at Vance.

Then he felt himself start to come down.

_Please don't be like my nightmare, please don't be like my nightmare, please, not Vance, don't let me hurt Vance..._

Robbie bounced, clumsily but harmlessly, and ended up back on the top of the hill, next to Vance.He had a couple of smaller bounces, stopped, and immediately fell face-first.

Vance was nearly doubled over with laughter.

"So that's a zero from the American judge, I'm guessing?" Robbie stood up and dusted himself off.

"Graceful as always, then?"

"Never startle a guy mid-bounce." He looked down. "I thought I'd try the old costume back on for size."

"It looks good," said Vance. He smiled softly. "Robbie, it's _so good_ to see you like this."

"Speedball," Robbie said.

Vance gave him a searching look."You're sure?"

"Yeah.I mean I got the threads, may as well get the name."He looked at Jocasta. "Can you let everyone know?I've made a decision on what I'm going to wear.This is it."

"I will have spares made up."Jocasta nodded and walked away.

Vance grinned and put an arm around Robbie's shoulder.'And tell everyone, Speedball's back!" 

"Yeah!"This would be fine.Robbie could do this.

—

"I can't do this," said Robbie.He stood in the doorway, trying to make himself walk into the room.

Hank Pym looked over at him. "Robbie...Pen...Speedball."

Quicksilver turned."You're _really_ doing it?"

Tigra just stared.

Robbie shook his head."This was a mistake." He turned away. “I’ll be in my room." 

Getting changed out of this costume as quickly as he could.

—

There was a knock at the door.

"Vance, I'm fine!" Robbie sat on the bed, clutching his knees to his chest.He'd been fine _yesterday_. He'd thought he could _handle_ this yesterday. 

But a couple of people stared at him, and it turned out he couldn't even deal with _that_.

"I am not Mr. Astrovik."It was Jocasta's voice. "I brought your uniform."

"I don't think I'll need it," said Robbie.What was he doing?He wasn't ready for this.He was nowhere _near_ ready for this.

Maybe he could convinceDonyell to bankroll a cat sanctuary.It could be out in the middle of nowhere, and Robbie could feed the cats and not have to be trusted with anything more complicated than putting a flea collar on them, or shoveling through cat litter. 

He could be out there on his own with the cats. He liked cats. Cats liked him. He could help them, and they wouldn't judge him, and no human would have to deal with Robbie Baldwin fucking up so hard he _killed_ people ever again.

Jocasta opened the door and stepped inside."I saw what had upset you earlier.I have some possible solutions." 

She held up a Speedball costume, then hung it up in the closet."I prepared the costume you requested yesterday."Then she held up another outfit.Black pants and a white button-down shirt."This would be appropriate for classroom lessons, or anything that is not too physically active.Additionally, I prepared this."

It was a one-piece outfit, like a superhero uniform, but gray, and with no design. 

"It should be comfortable for the more active lessons, if you feel the Speedball costume would not work for you.I thought it would be less stressful for you if you had a range of options. If you update me on what you wish to be called, I will make sure the staff stays informed."

"Wow," said Robbie."That's really thoughtful!" 

Huh, someone being nice to him, and he _wasn't_ bursting into tears.That was probably a good sign.

"Thank you," said Jocasta."I am glad I found a solution that works for you.I hope you will be able to stay."She stepped out.

Robbie got up. He looked at the gray uniform. It matched the color of his hoodie. It was a good color for not being noticed.

Then he looked at the Speedball outfit.The fabric ones were never as good as the ones he summoned up with his powers, but it meant that, even when things slowed down, he wasn't suddenly out of uniform.It was blue and gold, and it was something everyone would notice.

He wasn't sure he could handle that.But he had, thanks to Jocasta, a choice.

—

"What _was_ that?" Robbie asked."I had a day when I was feeling really good, like my old self, but then the next day, boom.Down again."

"That's the process," saidDr. Reed."Good days and bad."

"Ugh, process!I hate process!”Vance was a process guy.He would probably be good at therapy.

Had _Vance_ ever gone to therapy?Considering that Vance had gone to jail for killing the father who'd tried to beat the mutant out of him, he probably _should_.

"The thing is," said Robbie, "I don't know what's right.The more people see me being all bouncy and happy and making jokes, the less worried they are.At the same time...I don't want to act like I forgot about Stamford.I don't want to forget about Stamford. I don't want to forget what I did."

"You shouldn't forget," saidDr. Reed."You should absolutely remember Stamford, and your part in it.”

Robbie tilted his head."Aren't you supposed to be all about me not beating myself up?"

"It's not helpful for you to _torture_ yourself, physically _or_ psychologically.But it is healthy to look clearly at your past, including your mistakes, and learn how not to repeat them."

"It's like..."Robbie ran a hand through his hair.“What you said, about how if I got better, I could do something useful and help people, that made sense to me.And it felt like I’d done it, I’d gotten better.Then one thing went wrong, and it felt like I hadn’t done anything at all.So how do I know if it's working?"

Dr. Reed took a deep breath."There will be better and worse days.If you're recovering, the good days become more frequent, and the bad days become less severe.And even on the bad days, you're able to use some of what you learned to cope with it in a healthy way, the way you did yesterday."

"I freaked out and hid in my room."

"You left the situation and took time to yourself.You coped without hurting anyone, yourself included.When someone came to you offering to help, you accepted that help.And when someone brought you more options, you found a solution that worked for you."

"That was Jocasta," said Robbie."She's pretty great."

“Can you describe how things were before?The better and worse days?”

"I didn't really have good days," said Robbie. "Not until I started doing therapy.And even then, it was more like a few hours of feeling okay.The bad days..."He thought."Arizona.When I failed.That was pretty bad."He'd pounded his head against the wall until he bled.And everyone had looked at him like a freak."Then, with the Initiative, it was nearly all bad." When Terry had found his cat, and Niels had started nuzzling him, that had been the first moment in a long time that didn't _hurt_.

"Would you say that yesterday was as bad as your bad days used to be?"

Robbie shook his head.He’d felt bad, but it hadn’t gone on all day.It had stopped.And in the evening, he’d left his room to get dinner, Vance had talked him into hanging out on the couch watching Anchorman, and they’d ended up laughing their heads off.

Even on a bad day, he'd been laughing.

“That’s progress. That’s a sign you’re getting better.Look, you’re going to have bad days.You will take risks, make choices, and face consequences.Sometimes, it will hurt."

"You're a real ray of sunshine today, aren't you, doc?"

Dr. Reed smiled."I'm not here to make you feel happy.I'm here to help you be healthy. That means being prepared to go out there, take chances, and, when you make mistakes, deal with the results."

Robbie tilted his head. "Are you sure you want _me_ out there making mistakes?Considering the last one?"

“Even if you _are_ intensely unlucky lucky enough to end up in a similar situation again, you’ve learned how to do better and avoid making the same mistakes.”

"But what if I'm wrong?” Robbie asked.That was the scary bit.What if he did what he thought was right, and he was wrong again, like he’d been about the reality show?About Stamford?

"There will be consequences.They almost certainly won’t be as horrific as what you’ve faced.And you will be strong enough to face them."

—

This was it.Time to meet the students.

Robbie got up.He walked over to the closet.

He hesitated.

Then he pulled out the blue Speedball uniform.

"Hi, I'm Speedball.I'll be one of your teachers."He practiced in the mirror.

He wasn't sure if it sounded right.

But he was ready to try.


End file.
